


I tried and I couldn't anymore

by SinisterArtist



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: And kinda ooc, Angry! Michael, Angst, Anxiety, Depressed Jeremy, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, I needed to vent?, Jeremy is also a dick, M/M, Michael's kinda a dick, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Vent Writing, dont judge me please, please no hate, they're both dicks, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-23
Packaged: 2019-01-21 09:19:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12454308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SinisterArtist/pseuds/SinisterArtist
Summary: Jeremy has a prolem. The Squip is back, and there's no Mountain Dew Red. He messes up with michael (in the beginning), and gets raped later on. He tries to commit  suicide.





	1. Chapter 1

_'_ _He hates you, Jeremy._ _'_

' _He doesn't want to be with you._ _'_

' _You're just friends._ _'_

' _He never forgave you._ '

' _He's gonna leave you._ '

' _He wishes you don't_ _ **exist**_.'

Jeremy lets out a shakey breath, trying to calm the aching anxiety that bubbled up in his chest. The squip would laugh at him in the back of his head, snickering and spitting things at him, things the teen already knew and _hated_ about himself.

Its been almost two since the play, and it's been pretty peaceful. Jeremy and Christine were just friends now, since both of them thought dating wasn't the best for them. They were better as friends.

Michael was back, _sorta_ , and the two 'best friends' were in college now. In the same dorm, in fact. Even if they didn't talk much.

The Squip Squad was still hanging out, and Michael had been growing distant lately. He was getting more close with Rich and Jake, and Jeremy had been getting gut wrenching feelings in his stomach ever since.

The squip hadn't gotten this bad in a few months. It was usually just in the back of the teen's mind, trying to get him to snap. Only, today it was different. Jeremy was having a panic attack over small little things, and having many arguments with Michael didn't help.

Because, so help me god, he felt like Michael hadn't forgiven him for Jake's party. The two of them haven't sat down and talked about it. About how sorry Jeremy was. So, he understood why Michael mad at him. He would understand if Michael didn't forgive him. Because, _hell_ , Jeremy wouldn't forgive himself either.

It just- it hurt so much. Seeing Michael so bitter towards his best friend of, 14 _years_ now. Though, again, Jeremy would understand if he was still mad. But it still hurt. It hurt so much and, _fuck did he want it to stop. He wanted everything to stop- he wanted the pain to end-_

No. Shut up. We don't think suicidal right now. He doesn't think suicidal.

 _You should think suicidal, Jeremy. You_ should _die. Michael wouldn't care if you did. He barely cares about you now-_

'Shut the fuck up, Squip. Nobody loves you.'

Oh, that did make the squip shut up for a small bit. Just long enough for Jeremy to almost be relieved that the Squip left him alone. _That the Squip nearly left him clear his head._ But like I said, _almost_.

Jeremy was able to get up and splash water on his face. He was able to go back to class. He was able to get through half of that class before the Squip oh so _brutally_ returned. Worse then ever.

By worse, I mean Jeremy was beginning to see some people turn into the Squip. Or, at least look like him. Damn Squips, making hallucinations.

Now, the thing that sucked, was that Jeremy didn't have any Mountain Dew Red on him at the moment. He couldn't stop by his dorm on the way to his next class, and he most definatly could not ask Michael for any. He would feel too guilty. _Because guilt hasn't already been a problem before, you insecure shit-_

No.

He is not doing this right now.

Anyway, the day passes with a blur. Anxiety raising in his chest, the Heere made it to his dorm. He was ready to go gulp down some Mountain Dew Red, hop in the shower, maybe play some video games if he was up to it.

So, he opened the door, only to be met with a breath taking sight. Glorious, god like fucking sight.

Michael, in all his nerdiness and beauty, looked different. He wasn't wearing his normal red hoodie with patches. He was wearing a short sleeved shirt, that kinda looked like a tuxedo, mixed with a butler's outfit (Im really bad at explaining), and some nice ass skinny jeans. Really right skinny jeans, that _weren't_ ripped.

Michael was turned away, so Jeremy didn't quite see him clearly, but from what he could tell, Michael was fixing up his hair. Slicked back. More slicked back then normal. And when Michael turned around, _fuck_ , did Jeremy feel butterflies in his stomach. The Squip also seemed to be more quiet, but it was still grumbling a few things.

Michael had stared at Jeremy for a moment before giving him a bright smile. A smile that Jeremy didn't know he longed to see, because _fuck_ , _its been way too long since he's seen that smile. Especially when it's directed at him._

Michael didnt have his normal glasses on, he was wearing contacts. That just gave the teen a perfect view of his face. Since he didnt have the normal glasses on, he could see the familiar mole under one of his eyes that you can't really see unless he takes off his glasses.

It's so fucking cute and hot, Jeremy wishes that Michael was his. But, sadly, he's not.

"Jegus, you're fancy. You going somewhere?" He raised a brow, akwardly walking in and taking his shoes off after  setting his backpack down.

Michael just blushed. "It's not... im not fancy." He laughed, obviously trying to cover up the fact that he was flustered over this. Jeremy just chuckled in response though.

"Seriously, man. Where you going?" He hummed, walking over to the mini fridge that they had and opening it only to find no Mountain Dew Red.

"Just hanging out with Rich and Jake for a bit-"

"Hanging out? You sure you're not secretly planning on doing a three way with them?" He snorted.

"No- shut up-!" Michael huffed.

"Oh, by the way, where's all the Mountain Dew Red?" He cut Michael off again.

"You drank them all the other day, now shh-!"

"Can we order more?"

"Yeah just-"

"Oh! Is it-"

"sHoOOSH DAMMIT!" He cut off the other with a laugh, Jeremy joining in. Once they both calmed down, and both were in fits of giggles, Michael continued his thought.

"Anyway," He rolled his eyes. "As I was trying to say be fore you rudely interrupted me," he eyed Jeremy suspiciously, causing the other to scoff.  "I'm dressed like this because im going on a blind date."

The blue eyed boy's laughter instantly died down.  "With Rich and Jake? Sorry to break it to you, but thats not really a blind-"

"No, no, dumbass. They're setting me up with someone on a blind date! It's gonna be a double date. Rich and Jake, and me and that mystery dude!" His words came out in a laugh, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

All too soon, Jeremy got bitter. "So, who is this, 'mystery guy', huh?" He said, maybe a bit saltier then he usually would've, but it didn't look like Michael noticed.

"How am I supposed to know? They know the dude, not me. Thats why it's a 'blind date', Jeremy." His voice was laced with sarcasm.

The said boy couldn't help but feel something bubbling up in his chest. Sure, he was over joyed that Michael was funally talking normally to him, _and that this is probably the longest conversation they've had in a long time_ , but he felt anger boil up. Wait, no. It wasn't anger. It was jealousy.

"But Michael, what if the dude is a pervert and decides to take you somewhere and _fuck you_?!"

"Jere, I doubt that I'll willingly loose my virgity to some dude I haven't even met. Plus, Rich and Jake are gonna be there to stop that bullshit _if_ it even happens." Michael crossed his arms with a scoff.

Jeremy looked back at him with furrowed brows, trying not to show the hurt he was feeling.

"Besides, why do you care? It didn't seem to bother you when I was alone at Jake's party."

Jeremy winced. That _definatly_ hurt. It didn't help that the Squip was cackling with laughter.

"Dude, that was two years ago!!"

"You still left me in the bathroom. I had a panic attack, Jeremy. A fucking panic attack!" Michael argued.

"I-"

"You _knew_ I had social anxiety. You _knew_ I couldn't handle being called certain things! But you still did it."

"That wasn't-"

"That wasn't you, Jeremy?! You told me the Squip was off when I talked to you! So it was you. It was all you!"

Jeremy began to get frustrated. Yeah, okay, Michael had a panic attack in the bathroom all alone, but does the half Filipino even _know_ what Jeremy's been through?!

"Yeah, but you know I didn't mean it, Michael! I say things I don't mean when im upset!" He snapped at him, persing his lips.

"Yeah, but you _still_ ignored  me! For 3 months, Jeremy! 3 MONTHS. But I still came back, not caring if you were still an asshole!" The tan boy shot back with a harsh glare that made Jeremy's heart _ach_ e. His stomach churned and Jeremy was sure he wanted to puke.

"But this is different, Michael. This is completely different! You are going out with someone you don't even know! You used to HATE blind dates!!!"

"Well maybe, if you stuck around longer before deciding that you needed a fucking computer to get cooler, you would know that I don't mind blind dates anymore!"

"You could stILL FucKinG lose your virginity to some douche you don't even know!!" _Your voice cracked, Jeremy. Voice cracks aren't attractive-_ Shut up.

"Why the hell do you care about my virginity?! Did you want to be the one to take my virginity?!"

Jeremy's face flushed in both anger, and embarrassment. "NO! I would never want to date you!" _Way to fuck things up, Jeremy-_ I said shut up.

Michael actually looked hurt by that. "You know what? Maybe I will lose my virginity to some guy I don't know!"

As if Jeremy didn't hurt enough. He felt like crying now. "The HELL?! Michael! You should lose your virginity to someone you love, not to someone you just met!"

"Why the actual _Fuck_ do you care?! Are you jealous?" He mocked with a growl.

That made Jeremy snap like a twig. He wasn't jealous. He just didn't want anyone messing around with Michael, right?... yeah. And it was fucking OUTRAGEOUS that his best friend would even THINK that he was jealous.

' _You're totally jealous~_ ' The Squip teased.

Jeremy ignored him, but yelled at Michael. "I aM NoT FucKINg JEALoUS. I SAID THIS BEFORE, AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN. I WOULD NEVER DATE YOU. I JUST DON'T LIKE THE IDEA OF YOU HAVING SEX WITH STRANGERS!!" That came out way harsher then Jeremy indended it to. He could tell he went a bit to far when Michael flinched.

"You know what?" Michael glared at him with a hushed tone. "Im going to lose my virginity tonight and you can't stop me. I will go on blind dates whenever I want to, and you can't stop that either. Because you know why?"

He purpously didn't answer. He didnt trust his voice. Plus, he was shaking pretty bad right now. And to the looks of it, Michael was too.

"Because I would _never_ date you either. Because _you_ decided to fucking take a supercomputer. Because it's all _YOUR_ fault." With that said, Michael left the dorm.

There was a moment of silence, that moment of processing, then it was the Squip. The Squip laughing in his ears, saying ' _I told you so_ ' with so much joy, you wouldn't think it was the Squip.

Jeremy's electrocution  scars burned, but he didn't care. He couldn't feel anything. He just felt numb. Very numb. 'Shut the fuck up!!'

His body moved on it's own. To the shower. Turned on burining hot water and sat in the tub til his skin was raw. But, again, he couldn't feel it.

Then, all too suddenly, his brain decided processed everything. It was almost 10:00 PM, and he screwed up. He screwed up big time.

With a loud wail, and grit of his teeth, Jeremy let out a sob. A very loud sob that had been waiting to come out for a while.

He had an itch under his skin. An itch that he tried to scrub away. But it wouldn't. It was nasty, _he_ was nasty. And he couldn't even scrub that off.

His heart ached. His head ached. His skin ached. For fuck sakes, _everything ached_. It hurt. So bad.

He couldn't stop shaking. He couldn't stop Michael from leaving. He was worthless. He was _weak_. He couldn't do it, and the Squip wouldn't stop talking.

' _He hates you, Jeremy._ '

Yes. Michael probably hates him now, after what he did. Fuck, he is such an _idiot_!!

 _'He doesn't want to be with you._ '

Why doesn't Michael want to be with him? Probably because he fucked it up. _He fucked everything up._ Like he always did.

' _You're worthless,_ _Jeremy_.'

The Squip is right. He is worthless.

_'He never forgave you.'_

Michael didn't forgive him after the halloween party, so why would he forgive him for this?

_'He's gonna leave you.'_

Jeremy dreaded the moment that would happen. He knew it was gonna happen, and he dreaded it. But he deserved it. He _truely_ deserved it.

'Do you  _want to_ _**exist**_ _, Jeremy?_ '

No.

' _Then do as I instruct. Go get your pencil sharpener, and take the razors out. Cut open your wrists like you deserve to._ '

Jeremy's eyes widened at that. No! He didn't want to cut. Cutting meant there would be scars. And people would notice. _He doesn't want people to notice._

' _Then scratch your arms, Jeremy. You already do it when your anxious. It wont leave any marks. You wont bleed._ '

Yes. Thats exactly what he needs. Pain. Not anything noticable, like his shock scars- _no_ \- something where people wouldn't notice.

So, Jeremy began to scratch. At first, it was just him running his nails along his arm. Then it got to itching. Then, there was furious scratching as he tried to control his sobs. He was weak like that, _fucking weak weakweakweakweak._

But he couldn't control them. So he just yelled and screamed until his throat was raw and dry.

He did it til he couldn't anymore. Until he had no voice. And he thanked the fucking Lord that the next dorm over, people were blasting music. So no one could hear him.

Before he knew it, It was midnight. And the music had lowered to a tone where he could actually hear people talking in the other dorm.

Jeremy's still in the shower when he hears his door open. And, at first, he's greatful Michael is home. Michael can help him calm down. _Michael_ , dear sweet Michael. His player 1 was home-

But then he's flodded with regret and greif. He's reminded. Michael doesn't like Jeremy in _that_ type of way. In fact, the male is conviced the half Filipino hates him. And Jeremy doesn't blame him. Jeremy hates himself too. He wants to die, and the Squip is suggesting different ways to which he will die.

The scrawny teen is able to muffle his sobs when he hears Michael talk. And thank fuck he's in the bathroom, because in the bathroom, you can hear _everything_ that goes on in the dorm.

"Looks like my roommate is in the shower." He hears Michael giggle. Then he hears a totally different voice that he doesn't recongnize at all.

"Think you can be quiet enough, babe~?"

"Oh, definatly."

With that, Jeremy hears the two kiss and makeout for a while. Hell, he hears a soft 'thump' and he knows that Michael was pushed down onto the bed.

Oh shit, Jeremy was sobbing again. He covered his mouth with one hand as the other scratched at his thighs, making his skin redder then it already was.

For the next 30 minutes, Jeremy sat in the bathroom. In the _bathtub_. And sobbed his eyes out as he listened to the love of his life get fucked. He listened to the love of his life lose his virginity.

And thats how Jeremy knows he's lost him. It was already too late for him to get Michael, but now it is more then just _too late_. God. He wished he would die.

 

**\- - -**

  
It's been at least a week since... Michael lost his virginity. Its been a week, and Michael has been taking different guys back to their dorm every night. Sometimes he's the one that gets fucked, others he is the one that does the fucking. And what makes it worse, is his player 1 is totally ignoring him.

As each day passes, Jeremy thinks worse and worse of himself. He doesn't care if he dies. And, it seems, Michael has already given up on him.

Nowadays, he boy doesn't even care if he dies. He wish he would, but he's not suicidal. He wouldn't hurt himself. He refused to do it (besides the scratching. Thats still a thing).

Well, maybe he was a little suicidal. He walks through the day carelessly. Takes shortcuts through alleyways without precaution, crosses the street without looking, etc. He's not suicidal, but he wouldn't care if he died. Sometimes, though, he would do things on purpose. Sometimes, when he goes on a roof, or just his dorms balcony (he's on the 4th floor), he would stare off and debate on weather he should jump or not. Sometimes, he would purpously fall down the stairs to see if it would kill him. But, sadly, no. Nothing would kill him. Just give him minor bruises. His friends would worry, but he would shrug it off as his clumsiness.

There was still no Mountain Dew Red, so the Squip continued to mock him. Making things worse. Oh, speaking of worse, he has formed again. Glitchy, but he's formed.

He has many panic and anxiety attacks throughout the day. Having to escape class and go to the nearest bathroom so people didn't see when it happened. The squip has been there after a night or two after the shower incident. So, panic attacks were frequent.

Now, at the moment, it was dark outside. Nearly midnight. And Jeremy decided to walk out of campus, and get drunk off his ass. Maybe if he had too much alcohol, he could die from it?

But that didn't happen.

Oh no, something way worse happened.

Jeremy was walking home. He wanted to go home and wallow in his guilt and sadness. He went through one of the alleyways, and stumbled. Well, before he was grabbed from behind.

Some guy pushed him up against the nearest wall with a chuckle, the Squip floating and glitching around as if to mock Jeremy. 

But the said boy was drunk, and for some reason the Squip didn't go away, not being useful whatsoever. So he couldn't do shit. "Whhaa?" He slurred, trying to move. But the guy had a good grip on him.

"You're Jeremy Heere, right?" He practically growled in his ear. With a fearful nod, the boy squirmed uncomfortably.

The guy just let our a chuckle. "Michael called out your name while we were fucking. So, I wanted to know why he was intrested in you~ lets have some fun, shall we~?" With that said, he pinned him to the wall with one had as the other ripped off his clothes.

 Oh gog. This isn't good.

**\- - -**

  
Once the guy finished with Jeremy, he walked off. Like nothing ever happened. He just left Jeremy on the floor, a sobbing, naked, broken mess. Bruised up a bit from how rough he was, but still.

Jeremy couldn't brethe, and his eye sight was blurred up. And fuck, he hurt all over. And now, a new thing ached. His confidence. His spirit. Something he never had, but it was there. And he was dully numb. That wasn't normal.

Jeremy hadn't had the best life. When he was young, his mom wpuld physically hurt him for things he did wrong until she left. Then, Jeremy was mentally abused by people in school. He was tormented and practically tortured by the squip. He got emotionally numb and unstable after the incident with Michael, and now? Well, now. He got raped. Any self dignity he had was gone. Woosh. Like that.

Jeremy feels used. He feels.... empty. He feels broken. And he doesn't like it. If he wanted to die before, let me tell you, he wants to die now more then anything. He wants the pain to end. And he wants to be gone. ' _Jeremy. Do you really want to die?_ ' The squip had said after a moment of silence, ignoring Jeremy's sobbing.

Yes. He wanted to die. He didn't want to live anymore. 

 _'Then do exactly as I say. Go home-_ "

The college student slowly got up, pulling on his clothes and walked to his dorm. It took a while, a long while, and it was now 2 in the morning. Michael was, surprisingly, not sleeping with anybody in their dorm. In fact, he wasn't in the dorm at all.

That was good. It was a sign to Jeremy that it was okay. He didn't need help. But he did find a note on Michael's bed.

Shakey fingers reached over and opened the note.

'Hey, Jeremy.  
Uh, I dont know how to apologize, but I'll get straight to the point. Im moving dorms. Christine said she'll stay with you for a bit, coz she's gonna help me pack, but I just wanted to give you a heads up so you dont flip your shit.  
~Michael.'

That completly tore Jeremy. Whatever bounded Jeremy to sanity, it was Michael. Even if Michael didn't acknowledge him. It was Michael. His presence calmed him, if only a little.

But now Michael was moving dorms. His player 1 was was leaving, and Jeremy couldn't do anything about it. This is probably how he's gonna leave Jeremy for good, huh?

He broke down into sobs, curling up into a ball. What did he do that would make Michael leave? Fuck, he was so stupid. _Stupid stupidstupidstupidstupidstupid!!_

Jeremy couldn't handle this anymore. The Squip gave him many suggestions, but he chose some. Not all, but some.

Jeremy wanted to _die._

He wanted to be _gone_.

And that's exactly what he was gonna do.  He was gonna disappear. The squip suggested that he should explain himself and apologize to them in a note before he did die, though.

He scrambled up, going over to his notebook and writing short letters to his friends. Michael, a longer one, but still. Pretty short. Just apologizing for how much of a fuck up he was. 

He made his bed and picked up any of his extra clothes with no emotion.

Jeremy was shaking so bad. He couldn't stop.

Finally, with some of his mess cleaned up, he needed to go. He went to his school bag and pulled out his pencil sharpeners. He practically ripped the razor out if the screws and went to the bathroom. He pulled out many of his prescriptions, plus Michaels.

In the few minutes that he debated weather he should do this, he grew calmer. He listened to the Squip.

' _You dEServe iT. EveR-r-r-r-y Last bit of it._ ' It glitched.

He finally made a decision. Opening all the caps, he downed as many pills as he could. Choking on some, but getting some water to swallow them all.

But he still felt numb and broken. He wanted to feel something. But he couldn't.  So Jeremy clenched his teeth and took the razors, desperately slicing as his wrists. Trying to feel something- anything!

There was so much blood, he was getting dizzy. He sliced something, probably a vain, and suddenly he could feel the pain. He realized what he did. And oh god, he didn't mean to put so many cuts. He was bleeding too much! It was too much blood. He passed out from the sight of it.

 _Finally_.

He wouldn't have to go through this pain anymore.


	2. You idiot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy survived, and Michael is there to comfort him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I finally got this chapter edited. :>

Christine sighed, walking up the steps to Brooke and Chloe's dorm. They were going to have a girls night later in the day, since it was the weeked. But might as well come over early, right? 

Kinda. She had a feeling that something bad was going to happen, so she was gonna check on all her friends. She already checked on Rich and Jake (they were passed out on the couch), so she was gonna check on the girls. Though, she guessed that Jenna was already there ( Brooke wanted to have a Slumber party before Girls Night, but Christine couldn't attend because she was visiting with her family.

It was really early, nearly 4 AM, but Christine needed to check on the girls. And its not to late to join some fun, right? Yeah. Though, she still needed to check on Jeremy after this. She did every day, since Michael was still.... out...

Both boys have been worrying her to death. Michael, trying to get over Jeremy by having sex, and Jeremy...  he wasn't doing so well at all. Which kinda made her walk faster towards the girls dorms.  The reason why she's worrried, is before she had left to vidit her parents, she had went to check on Jeremy, but he wasn't there. She just figured he needed to get some steme off. Hopefukky she's correct, but she doesnt risk it.

Knocking on the door, she whined. "C'mon, guys. I know you're up." It took a few seconds before Jenna opened the door with her pajamas on, Chloe and Brooke right behind her. 

"Lets goooo! The sun will be rising soon, and I really wanna see the stars before the sun comes up." Chloe huffed, holding a few blankets for the trip they were about to make. Jenna had a camera, and Brooke had a basket of what Christine hopes his food. Though, said girl brought her money so they could get Pinkberry on the way (lets just say its open 24/7).

"I have to check on Jeremy first, then we can go." The Canigula hummed, turning around and walking as Brooke locked her dorm. 

"Why didn't you check on him  _before_ you came and got us?" Jenna raised a brow, following Christine through the hall.

"It'll be a quick check up, I promise."

"Didn't you check on him earlier?"

"Well _yeah_ , but he wasn't home." 

"Oh."

It was silent after that. The only noise was the padding of their footsteps on the floor, the whispers between Chloe and Brooke, and the occasional giggle. It didn't take long to reach Jeremy and Michael's dorm. 

Christine hoped that Jeremy was there. She knew him since High School, so she also knew that Jeremy didn't like to stay out past twelve. So, he was probably home.

Still, something felt off.  _Very_ off. Jeremy usually texted Christine if he wasn't doing okay, and usually said goodnight before he went to bed. She supposed that he could be awake, but then he would still text her if something was wrong. So.... he had to be okay...  _right_?

Once they arrived, she knew that somethibg was definitely wrong. The dorm was eerily silent. Which was unusual since there was  _always_ noise. Weather it be soft music, little snoring, or even little buzzing sounds every now and then. But it was silent. No noise at all.

When she approached the door, she felt.... creeped out. The door was unlocked, and when she walked in the room, it was oddly clean. Well, besides the notes on both boys beds. The one Michael left him earlier, and..... alot of them on Jeremy's bed? The heck?

"Looks like they finally decided to organize their shit." Chloe scoffed, crossing her arms.

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" Brooke furrowed her brows in worry. 

"They probably took Christine's advice." Jenna just waved it off, easing the blonde haired girl a bit.

"Guys, Jeremy wrote us letters." Christine smiled, picking up the letter with her name on it.

It wasn't unusual for Jeremy to write letters, he wrote them all the time. He had a journal. A diary, she thinks? So he'd write letters to everyone once a week. Well, kinda? He stopped since Michael... left? So it was a bit relieving to know that he started that again.

"Im gonna go see if he's here." Brooke chirped in as Christine opened her letter to start reading.

She read the first few lines with a smile because, 

_'Hey, Christine. I want to thank you for being there for me. It means a lot, especially since when Michael wasn't there, you were.'_

But her smile faded once she read the next paragraph.

_'So, thank you again. I wouldn't have gotten it this far without you. Or everyone else, for that matter. But... just know, for what I did, its not your fault.'_

She was confused. What did he mean? She skimmed the est of the page, and her expression morphed into a horrified one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**~•°•°•°•~**

Michael groaned in annoyance, waking up to a Hamilton ringtone. It was saturday, so it couldn't be any school alarm. And he didn't work on Saturdays either. What the actual fuck? Who the actual fuck wakes up at this ungodly hour, anyways?

He sat up, a some guys arms around his waist, a peaceful expression on his face as he slept.

Oh, he remembers last night. He also remembers that he's probably going to be sore all day.

Blushing at the thought, he ran a hand over his face and through his hair. The ringtone stopped buzzing, and he sighed. Thank god. It was getting annoying. 

He went to lay back down, but the Hamilton ringtone went off again. The guy beside him began to stir awake, so he quickly answered the phone. "What d-"

" _MICHAEL_ _!_ Thank heavens your awake! I can't-"

He flinched and moved the phone away from his ear as he heard Christine yell through the phone, the first part he barely understood, but the rest was totally gibberish. Fuck, it was way too early for this.

"Whoa whoa woah, slow down Canigula. You woke me up at-" he looked at his phone, groaning at the brightness. "-4 in the fucking morning?! Jesus! What the hell are you doing up? Its way too ear-!" He whispered bitterly into the phone, getting cut off by Christine.

"Have you seen Jeremy?!? I- I cant find him in the dorm!" He could tell, even through the phone,  Christine was panicking. Still, he was upset that she talked about _him_. She knew it would upset Michael. "No. And why the fuck would I care? You know that I-"

"Yes, I know you're trying to get over Jeremy, Michael. But this is _urgent_...! I-.... I-I think he just wrote-" she was cut off abruptly by a scream, that very well sounded like Brook, and suddenly Michael was wide awake. Did something happen?

"What'd he write?" Apparently, she didn't hear him because he heard her running. Then it went silent on her line. 

He stood up, furrowing his brows in suspense.

He was gonna speak again before a choked sob erupted from Christine. "Oh my god- oh- oh _fuck-_ you n- nee need- need-... oh  _god_.." she couldn't even finish her sentence before sputtering out a few sentences instead. He knew something was terribly wrong because Christine never swears unless something is wrong.

"B-Brook! Call the police- or an ambulance! Or something!" Chloe had said in the background, shuffling around with a creak. Which told him she was looking in their cabinets for the first aid kit.

"Oh- oh... There is... so- so much blood.... holy shit..." he could hear Jena say in the background. That worried him more. Alot more. I mean come on, they're leaving him in the dark over here! Blood? What happened?!

Pulling on his clothes, he kept the phone to his ear, waiting for them to explain 

"Jenna! Help me! See if you can find a pulse!!" Christine sniffed, then he heard a thud. Indicating that she had dropped to the floor. "Jeremy. Come on. Stay with me. Stay with me- Jenna? Is there pulse?" His heart dropped. Jeremy? The fuck- what was going on with Jeremy? Was he dying?

Jenna was muttering things, and Michael was finally fed up with this. "What the actual _fuck_ is going on?!"

Michael could tell that Christine wiped her eyes. "Michael....... Jeremy- he... h-he tried to kill himself! A-And he might've succeeded."

Michael didn't even put on his shoes. He practically ripped them off the floor and was out of the door faster then he had ever been.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**~•°•°•°•~**

  _-ep._

 

 _B_ _eep._

 

_Beep._

 

_Beep._

_Beep. Beep._

Why is there beeping. The beep boop beeping. Why? It was annoying.

Then again, everything was kinda annoying. 

Was this what being dead was like? Being numb, but having a killer headache? That doesn't make sense. Oh well. But  _shit_.

Prying his eyes open, Jeremy groaned at all the whiteness around him. Is this heaven? Oh, nah. Jeremy's convinced he'd be going to hell. Its either he's in heaven or he's still alive.

He dreads both.

Seeing as the squip was in the back of his mind, he was probably still alive. _Fuck_.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

Jeremy had to sit there for a few minutes, his heart rate spiking as he recovered his train of thoughts. Then he remembered.

He remembered Michael. He remembered that _guy_. He remembered the Squip. He remembered the cuts, and he remembered the pills.

He didn't _want_ to remember, though. It was too much.

It was too overwhelimg, he couldn't handle it.

Too much to handle. He wanted to _die_ for fuck sake! And suddenly-  he can't breathe anymore. His throat is closing in on him, and tears began to fill his eyes. His chest bubbles with anxiety, the Squip gradually becoming louder than just being a sound in the back of his mind.

He tried to grip the sheets, but he couldn't control his own body. He was numb, and very drugged. Not sedated, because he wasn't calm at all.  _Drugged._

Jeremy's gasping out breaths as he turned his head (the only thing he could move right now). Why hadn't he just _died_?! Why did somebody have to care?!?!

This is fan-fucking-tastic. Having a panic attack when you wake up is the way to go. Good job, Jeremy Heere. Good job.

The blue eyed college student didn't notice the human stirring next to his bed until he felt his arm being shook. Until he felt someone wrap their arms around him. Even if he was numb, he could still feel it.

His chest still felt tight, but _god_ did he ache for that touch. He longed for it. He missed it so much. Being held in someone's arms, being comforted. Feeling _safe_. 

Jeremy didn't care if it was some stranger. He was so touch starved, and needy for someone- anyone, to hold him. He desperately wanted to cling onto someone and be assured that someone cared. Because many people in this world don't care, and many _won't_ care.

Again, he didn't really know this person (his eyes are closed, dammit). He just.... he just needed this. He still felt bad, though. Whoever this was, they get to see him at his worse. Face flushed, eyes squeezed tight, choked sobs errupting from him.

The boy didn't know who the other was until they started to talk. So it made him freeze. Not that he could do anything, anyway. "Shhh, shhh, it's alright Jere- I'm here.  I'm not gonna leave you. Not again. _Never_ again." He could tell that the other was on the verge of tears.

His heart flutterred and tingled in chest with happiness, but at the same time, his stomach sank, and he felt gross. He felt disgusting. He wanted to puke, and he wished Michael would actually care. 

 _'That's because he doesn't care.'_ The squip reminded bitterly.

At that thought, Jeremy let out a loud sob. Usually, he wouldn't break down infront of others. _Especially_ Michael. But I guess that doesn't count right now, huh?

"Why didn't you let me die?!" Jeremy finally got feeling in his fingers and gripped Michael's hoodie as the other's voice waverd. "You don't deserve to die, Jeremy-"

"I don't deserve this?! After what I did to you?!" He felt Michael flinch at that. "I- I fucking _left_ you in that bathroom! Then- then- _ignored_ you! And, a while ago, I _yelled_ at you because I was a jealous fuck! _I didn't even apologize!_ " His heart monitor was beeping loudly, alerting the doctors. Michael had to hop off the bed, the doctor drugging Jeremy to sleep, and didn't leave til his heart rate went down. The doctor did leave a nurse, though.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**~•°•°•°•~**

He didn't  understand. He was confused. He was sad, and he was most definitely angry. Not angry towards Jeremy, well a little, but mostly towards himself. Because he was _so_ stupid, he let his own judgement get the better of him. Because he left poor Jeremy all alone when he _knew_ he needed him.

 He  _knew_. But didn't do anything.

Ugh.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fuck him and his stupid ass.

Not literally. We've had enough of that for one day.

Anyway. Down to business.  Jeremy had been in the hospital for nearly a week, now. Only just a few hours ago he woke up, however, now he's back in a sleep. But that's good. Because he needed to calm down, and his thoughts weren't helping.

So Michael needed to clear his thoughts.

It made so much fucking sense, now that he thought about it. That Jeremy snapped at him because he was jealous. But, of course, Michael always having bright ideas, snapped back at him because he was hurt.

The teen was pulled out of his thoughts when Christine came in with a sad look.

"What?" He raised a brow at her. "Something wrong?"

He knew something was wrong. But he still asked.

She just wiped her eyes and handed him a note that had his name on it. Well, looks like it was from Jeremy.

' _Hey, Michael._

_I know how long I usually write my letters, so I'll make this quick. If you're reading this, Im pretty sure that im dead. Im just.... gonna confess some things in here, dude. Please don't hate my guts more then you already do, okay?_

_First off, I wanna apologize for the asshole I've been. You don't deserve to be hurt, Micha. You don't. And I feel so bad, be cause I don't deserve you. You've been there for me so many times, and all I can do in return is give you more panic attacks._

_Oh, mind helping me out a bit? Maybe at my funeral you can sing? I really like your voice. Anyway, with that said, I also wanna tell you to not go on blind dates. Please? I just, really don't want you getting hurt._

_Remember the guy that you were gonna room with? The guy who said your smiles made his heart melt? Leslie, I think it was? Yeah. Don't ever go out with pricks like him. I would like it if you avoided him completly. Know why?_

_I was out tonight, later then I usually do (ask Christine). I was kinda drunk, but I swear I said no. I didn't... it hurt so much, Micha. I wasn't ready. He fucked me, and I wasn't ready._

_I dont want him to do those horrible things to you too. Okay? Just be safe while Im gone, Michael._

_Another thing I wanted to say in this letter before I completly disappear. Just know,  that I love you. I regret not ever telling you while could. And this isn't some fancy best friend I love you bullshit. I have feelings for you. I wish that you loved me as well, but.... you told me how you feel. So, I understand completly. I wouldn't love me either._

_Hah, you're probably really disgusted with me. I mean, I am too, so don't worry._

_So.... uh... I guess I'll be going now, Micha. Love you, and stay safe or I swear to fuck I will haunt your ass._

  
_Love,_

_Jeremy'_

Michael wasn't sure if he should be fuming with anger, laughing, feeling good because Jeremy loves him back and he's _safe_ , or feel guilty.

He chose to be mad. Standing up, he pursed his lips, a sour expression on his face.. "Jeremy got raped, Christine. _Raped_." He spat out those bitter words as if it would make the man who did that, disappear.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The two of them just spoke in hushed voices,  Christine agreeing on staying with Jeremy and calling if he woke up, while Michael went to go deal with some serious shit.

**~•°•°•°•~**

Michael barged into the dorm, quite pissed off. 

Though, he had to blink to take in the sight before him. There Leslie was, with another boy, having an intense make out session. 

The half-filipino suddenly felt very gross ans bitter. To think that he had... sex with that guy.

"What the hell?!" He shouted, the smaller boy yelping and pulling away from Leslie. He looked flustered, but the other looked like a deer in headlights. 

"Im- Im sorry? Do you need something?" He smaller spoke up. Leslie was still frozsn, his adam's apple bobbing up and down.

"Why the  _fuck_ are you making out with him?!" Michael couldn't  calm down.

"Am- a-am I not aloud to make out with my boyfriend?" The boy looked  a bit annoyed now. He doesn't deserve to be annoyed- Michael caught him with his-.....

" _Your_ boyfriend?! He's  _my_ boyfriend!!" He didn't know why he felt so defensive about this. He was- no. Fuck this.

"He- your-.... I-I... what?" The poor boy choked out, now looking as if he were about to cry. "You-" the boy sucked in a breath, looking at Leslie. "You were  _cheating_ on me? For- for how long? We- We were- y- you- you- we've been dating for almost a  _year_ now, Leslie!"

Now Michael felt bad. Kinda. This boy had been dating Leslie for a year! And Michael only dated him for half a week.

"You told me you were single!" Michael shouted, the boy looking angry. "H-He- He- yo-u  _what_?!" 

Finally, Leslie seemed to snap out of it, looking guitly. "Babe-" he choked out, the boy and Michael hardening their glare. "Jess- Michael- Im-... .."

The boy,  _Jess_ , was now crying angry tears. Michael, was obviously crying as well. But there weren't as many due to the fact that, he was even more  _pissed off_.

"I-... Leslie what the HELL?!" Michael walked in. "Not only did you cheat on both of us but-" The teen sucked in a choked sob. "But you fucking  _raped_ Jeremy as well?! What the hell is wrong with you?!"

Suddenly, Leslie looked furious and decided to tackle Michael. " _How did you find out about that?!_ " He hissed bitterly. The tan boy shived him off, as Jess looked horrified. "You- You-" he bit his lip. 

"Shh, don't listen to him, baby,  he's only-" though Jess pushed him off and screeched a little. "Don't  _TOUCH_ me!!" 

Then, Leslie looked angry again, shoving Jess to the floor and tackling Michael again.

He yelped and tried to wrestle him, but was shouting anyway. "Call the cops! Call the cops,  _oh my god call the cops!"_

Jess scrambled up off the floor and reached for his phone.

****~•°•°•°•~** **

 

Before the police arrived, Michael and Leslie were throwing punches. Well, more like Leslie was trying to hurt him while Michael tried to pin him to the floor so he wouldn't die. Jess stood back, after getting hit by his ' _boyfriend',_ and (since his phone was till on call), he told the police to hurry. In the middle of all that, Michael had tossed his phone to Jess and told him to 'Call Rich and Jake'. So, that happened. 

Rich ended up there first, rushing in when he heard the yells. Jake, a few minutes later, had also came into the room.

By the time the police  _did_ get there, Michael, Rich, and Jake had Leslie pinned to the floor. They were bruised up pretty badly, but nothing they couldn't handle.

Rich had, also threatned Jess (who looked scared shitless), but Michael explained what happened while Leslie got arrested. So, turned out Jess had no idea, and  _was_ , in fact, scared shitless. 

They ended up leaving him be, Michael giving him his number if he ever needed help again.

So, there's that.

Rich decided to go back to his dorm, Jake following him, and Michael going back to tge hospital.

"He wake up yet?"

"No," Christine sighed, standing up. "But he will be soon. I gotta go, though. The teacher needs me."

"Aight." He waved his friend off before waiting. Michael got some steme off, so he felt better then he did before, but he still needed to clear his thoughts.

So, throughout the next few days, he sat there, but would invite people, that both Michael and Jeremy knew, in if they had visted him.

Nobody was around right now, though. It was noon, and Michael was eating some sushi beside his friend.

He heard mumbling, so he looked over and saw Jeremy beginning to stirr awake. The Mell nearly choked on his food, so he set it down and watched Jeremy.

"You okay?"

"What does it look like?"

"I thought so." Michael sighed softly. "Im just... worried about you, Jere-bear."

"Yeah. Couldn't you have done that a little sooner, though?" Aaaand Jeremy was still bitter. He has every right to be.

"I could've. But.... Jere, Im sorry. Im so sorry." Jeremy bit his lip. ".. ."

"Jeremy, look at me " The boy did as told and it looked as if he were going to cry. "No, no. You're okay Jere. Im not leaving." He cupped his cheek.

Jeremy just squeezed his eyes shut and bit his lip, trying not to let the tears come out. Fuck, now Michael felt real guilty. 

The Heere let Michael climb onto the bed this time, and cradle him in his arms, releasing the cheek he once held. "Michael- I.... th-thought- thought you hate-d me.." Jeremy's voice was hoarse. "No, no, no, Jere. I don't hate you. I could  _never_ hate you..."  He cupped his cheek again, causing the other to look at him. "I'm the one who should be sorry. Im the one you should hate. I left you all alone."

The freckled face boy just shook his jead frantically. "I understand why you did-!"

"No. I was angry. I wanted to get over you Jeremy."

"Get..... over me..?"

"Yeah. I.... I actually....." he couldn't speak. What was he gonna say? What, _'I was mad that you rejected me?'_ No can do. He didn't want to confess, no matter how bad he loved him. No matter how much he felt regret. He remembered Jeremy's letter and- Ah, screw it.

"Jere, Im sorry. I liked you alot, you know? It just hurt me when you said that you would never.... date me...."

Jeremy smiled sadly. At least he wasn't having a panick attack, right? "Yeah.... im sorry, Miah, I was just jealous..." he mumbled.

"It's okay Jere-"

"It's not okay, Michael! I yelled at you, and I hurt you! And I won't be able to take any of it back!"

Michael just sighed. "Jeremy. Sure, you hurt me alot, but I forgive you. I will always forgive you."

Fuck, the boy was crying again! Luckily the Filipino didn't freak out, and neither did Jeremy. His heart rate only picked up a tad bit.

Instead, he stayed. Giving Jeremy the hugs and cuddles that the both of them _yearned_ for.

It took a while for Mell to calm him down, though. But it was all good. For once, there was peace and quiet. Which seemed a bit odd since the two of them just.... never mind.

"C-.... Can we sit down and talk later? When Im out of the hospital? So that.... we both that understand what happened..?"

"Sounds good to me, Jere."

So the two sat like that. Happy, and feeling _safe_. Cuddling like lovers. Though, the silence only lasted a bit before Jeremy laughed softly. "You idiot."

"Dork."

He huffed and rolled his eyes. "Love you." 

Jeremy looked up at the other for a moment, before thinking, fuck it. He leaned up and softly kissed the other's cheek. Which made both their cheeks turn red. 

That, and Michael cupped Jeremy's cheek again before pulling him into a sweet, gentle kiss. "I love you too, Jere." The tanner of the two mumbled against the others lips.

They both could get used to this.

**~•°•°•°•~**

It took a while for Jeremy to get out of the hospital, but when he did, he was in his dorm, waiting for Michael to get back from 7/11. 

Jeremy covered his bandages with one of Michael's jacket. There was still a buzzing in his head, the soft murmurs of the Squip's hateful comments. But he ignored rhem.

He was anxious as fuck to talk to Michael, because he was going to tell him what happened.

Hearing the door open, Jeremy snapped his head up to see Michael coming in with a boat load of snacks. 

Michael set up the bean bags (he convinced his mom to bring in a few days ago), and layed out the snacks. 

Both of them layed down on the bean bags, having a comfortable, yet anxious silence going on between the two. Michael drank some of his slushie, offering it to Jeremy, but the teen politely declined.

"I... want to tell you what happened." He whispered softly. Michael obviously tenses up at that, but nodded. Jeremy let out a breathy sigh.

"I... was happy, you know? For you. When you said that you had a blind date, I was happy for you. But, I got real jealous afterwards."

"I mean, jealous that it wasn't me. I qas having a real bad day, since-.... since...." Words got stuck in his throat as he clenched his fists.

"The Squip had been bothering me." He finally let the words out, and it felt like a weight had been lifted off his chest, even if the Squip was screaming for him to stop.

Michael had frozen yet again, but he looked more fearful then anything else. "You- it... the Squip?" Michael was able to choke out. Jeremy nodded, and looked at a bag of Doritos. "It's-" Jeremy cut himself off.

 Michael looked at Jeremy with a guilty expression. "Why didn't you tell me? Or at least take some Mountain dew Red?" 

"There isn't any left in the fridge." Michael looked horrified, opening his mouth, but closing it again. "And, I didn't want to bother you..." 

"Why?"

"Because I was afraid you'd yell at me again."

Michael put up a guilty expression, opening his mouth again but no words came out. There was a moment of silence, before Michael let out a choked sob. "Oh- oh god. Im... Im so sorry...." Jeremy looked up for a moment before climbing onto the other's bean bag and hugging him. Fuck, he was strting to tear up as well.

"It's- it's okay." He pursed his lips, stop himself from his wavering voice.  Pulling Jeremy into a hug, Michael squeezed him tightly, as if he let go, Jeremy would disappear. That made his heart pound in his chest as Jeremy hugged back just as tight.

They stayed like that for a while, before Michael pulled back (once they calmed down), and looked the dirty blonde haired boy in the eyes. "If anything happens, and I mean  _anything_ , you tell me, okay?" 

He nodded. "Even if something is happening right now?" 

"Yes."

Jeremy hesitated for a moment before speaking again. "I.... need some Mountain Dew Red." He spoke, no matter how many times the Squip screamed no. 

But that was all he needed to say before Michael went to his backpack and pulled out a spare bottle of mountain Dew Red he always had, for just in case.

And Jeremy was so greatful that Michael would care enough to keep one on him.

Once he got ahold of the bottle, he chugged it. Chugged it so fast, he nearly choked. But he was relieved, since...the voices died down.

It took a minute, but they all came to a hault and Jeremy was just left with his own thinking. Though, he was left with a killer headache.

Smiling up at Michael, Jeremy was pulled into another hug. "Wanna just take the rest of the day off?"

"Yeah." He nodded, cuddling closer to the teen. Michael just smiled and kissed him softly.

Both boys were filled with happiness, and a very warm feeling.  The kids was soft, sweet, and loving. So they stayed like that for a little, before happily laying down and cuddling together.

Even if both boys were happy, they were still anxious, if not scratched. Not broken. 

But they had eachother to get through this. 

 

"Hey, Jere-Bear?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"Love you too, Miah. Love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im not really good at fluff, so theres that. Also, im not good at endings.  
> Soo....
> 
> Hooe you enjoyed the last Chapter?


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